Dear Mr. Man…

April 9, 2009

Sexual Healing

Filed under: Marriage & Relationships,Uncategorized — P. J. Easter @ 4:59 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Q: Dear Mr. Man:

It has been several months since my husband and I have made love. She always tells me that he is tired or not in the mood. This makes me moody and frustrated. Please help.

A: I have been following posts on New York City Moms and on Dad-Blogs about an episode of  The Oprah stk60811corWinfrey Show that aired this week. My buddy, NYCity Mama, wrote a post about this show. The show was called, “The Truth About Motherhood”. According to Oprah, this was a “judgement-free” zone where mothers could admit their likes and dislikes about motherhood. Some of the dislikes that were mentioned were bodily fluids, toy explosions, and not being in “the mood” as  much anymore. It is the last point that I want to address. Very plainly. Very clearly.

Anyone who believes that a marriage can be strong and healthy without sex has lost their damn minds. Period.

There is one very famous “mom-blogger” who said on the show that she and her husband did not have sex for seven months after their child was born. She also said that intimacy is rubbing ankles as their 40-pound child sleeps between them. Sounds like some boundaries need to be set.

Here’s the deal. Men need initmacy from their wives. It is a reinforcement of the emotional commitment that he has made to his wife. It is also a way for men to communicate their love for his wife. Men are visual and physical creatures. It is why we are fascinated by the vivid colors on a high definition big screen, it is why we wrestle other guys, hand bump, and “noogie” our sons. Physicality is an extension of our emotions. Check out this poll on sex in marriage that my brother, E. Payne, recently conducted.

It is no different in the bedroom. The act of love making is an intimate connection to the soul of the woman God has blessed us with. It was intended for man and woman to share this intimacy in this very connected way. I am using the word “connected” in a very deliberate manner. This connection is obviously physical, but, when it is done right, there is a connection of heart and soul.

 The absence of intimacy creates another set of issues entirely. According to some religions, the cessation of sexual relations in a marriage is the functional termination of that marriage. Did you catch that, friends? The termination of your marriage. Wow, that’s so deep that I need to pause for a moment…

Okay, I’m back.  With the exception of being unable to be sexual with your spouse due to physical limitations, it is unnatural for a married couple to not be intimate with each other. Unfortunately, when intimacy is witheld in the marriage union, it is possible that sexual fulfillment will be sought outside of the home. Not cool. Marriages cease to be the celebration of life and love that they were created to be. They become traps and dens of deceptions. The smallest molehill of problems become as large as mountains when there is no intimacy in a marriage. People who withhold intimacy and wear it as a badge of honor need to man up. It’s time for healing. Sexual healing. Now stop reading and give your spouse a call. Peace.

Mr. Man



  1. Amen, brother.

    Comment by Mocha Dad — April 9, 2009 @ 9:02 am | Reply

  2. I read this the other day when you posted but I was at work so I couldn’t sit there and comment. 🙂

    Without going into my own personal experience, I have a *FRIEND* (LOL) who believes pretty much the same thing.

    This “Friend” always sees a correlation between how much is going on in the bedroom and how connected she feels with her husband outside of the bedroom. They still hold hands after being married for 22 years though, so they know the importance of physical contact as it relates to connecting with the other one; in a marriage there’s always that roller coaster-y, “now we’re getting busy on a regular basis for a while and then we’re not for a while (but not a long while!)” kind of thing, which is sort of annoying. I think the trick is to always remember during those drier spells (eew, sorry about that) that you have to keep striving to reconnect. Does that make sense?

    Comment by Melisa — April 11, 2009 @ 6:24 am | Reply

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